This year I’ve finally found a piece of the innocent child I used to be. It took almost losing myself completely to find her. I think now I understand that I had never lost this little girl. She was just scared. Hiding from the monster that had taken over me. And, yes, a monster is what I was. I had effectively destroyed myself emotionally, mentally, and physically.
That small piece of innocence that was hidden away broke through to me when it was almost too late. Flashes of myself as a little girl, so brave and unaware, reminded me of the strength Ill always have. Sometimes its okay to be scared, but in those moments remind yourself of the child you used to be. Remember what it felt like to be fearless. Those instincts to survive will kick back in. What you thought was lost, was only waiting to be found.
“Its okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.” ~Mandy Hale
SO, BE FEARLESS!
~The Lost Desert Girl
Sometimes you have no choice but to save yourself. There wont always be someone willing to pick you up and dust you off and death isnt an answer just anyone can seek. I know because I tried for years to take my life in many different ways. Nothing ever worked. It just wasnt in the cards for me.
I could have continued down this painful path, but luckily I was born with compassion for others. It tore me apart watching my family and loved ones suffer while I continued to give up on my life. That was the push I needed. But making that change was hard! It took a courage I didnt think I had and more than a couple of tries to grasp onto a new life. The journey was long but it was worth it feeling the way I do today.
I wasnt prepared for how difficult it would be to finally get where I am now. And still everday I battle temptations and circumstances surround me that push me to my edge. And after battling addiction Ive learned that my mind is still drenched with a sickness. Anger still courses through me stronger than ever. And Ive become comfortable with the demons that live in my head.
I thought for a while that feeling somewhat ‘sick’ in the head made me weak, but its quite the opposite. Having this control over my dark side and seeing the things Ive seen makes me incredibly strong. Im no longer afraid to be alone, Ive learned to embrace my flaws, and Ive learned to travel this new path while answering my own prayers.
So if I have any advice to give, its this: Dont wait around hoping an angel will swoop down and slay your demons. If you are waiting you are wasting precious time. Once you’ve learned to embrace the parts of yourself no one understands- then, and only then, you will know freedom.
“Take the broken pieces of your life and re-create your dreams.”
~The Lost Desert Girl
One day, out of the blue there he was. In the midst of my chaotic life the answer to my prayers was presented. It took some time to realize that all I would ever need was within the man standing in front of me. And when I finally let my gaurd down I felt how powerful his love for me was.
A LETTER TO THE MAN WHO SAVED MY LIFE:
You gave me a reason to live again. When I was falling apart you put me back together, even as hard as that task was. The moment I almost lost you I understood true pain and even though I pushed you away, you always brought me back home.
Im a wild soul. I thought I could not be tied down. But your love is enough for me. Where ever you are is where I want to be. Burning summer nights down together and embracing eachother every winter.
I love listening to country love songs and roaming the desert with you. I love that your a gentle soul with motivation to conquer the world. Even more I love the simple life you lead. When Im with you I know my way.
Maybe this Desert Girl isnt as lost as she thinks.
Happy Valentines Day❤
I try to keep to myself and bury my emotions deep, but its overwhelming. All of these feelings ranging from imense saddness to complete joy. This energy flowing inside of me is powerful, creating a tug on my heart to be free. Knowing Ive conquered demons is satisfying in such a destructive way. My inner gypsy fought like a warrior until I let her out to be wild and free. Chasing the only high we know these days- the rush from adrenaline.
Signs that say “Danger” and “Do Not Enter” tease the wilder side in me. I live for the flutter in my gut after shooting a 12 gauge, the rush of a v6 rumbling underneath me, the vibration of the base from my subwoofer. The things I have done, the things I have seen- not for the faint of heart. Its not like the artificial high from drugs. Its the feeling of having no control. Knowing that there are things bigger than yourself out there.
I accept who I am. I accept that danger will lace the edges of my life. I’ve walked through utter destruction and it made me stronger than ever. I dont use drugs to escape anymore. I’ve learned to embrace life, even in the midst of chaos. Sometimes you have to laugh in the face of danger, stand up and fight for a taste of real life.
Satisfy your itch to be free.
Lost Desert Girl.
Waking up every morning I recount some of the awful events that have happened in my life. Somehow remembering these gruesome details keeps me grateful. I run images through my mind that are hard to bare and I face truths I wasnt aware of before. And no matter how hard I try, no matter how beautiful that sun pouring through my window is, the darkness comsumes me every morning, just for a moment.
But the darkness is always welcome now. I dont wish to bathe in it for hours or carry it with me through-out my day. But I have learned that I cannot escape it. I must let it visit the deepest corners of my mind and it then it will disappear again. I used to fight it, get caught up sulking in it all day, and then I’d end up following it back to where it lives. I can’t survive in the darkness, though. So I’ve learned to embrace it briefly. Ive learned to manage the darkness inside of me.
Growing up in this desert: so barron and dry one moment and then a darkness spreads, drowning us in invisible rain. Ive had a happy life. Ive seen things that are beautiful, phenomenal, and breathtaking. But Ive also had a somewhat empty life, always chasing after a happiness I couldnt have. But Ive found a way to live my life without running to or from anything. Ive learned that happiness is in the present- right now! Not yesterday not tomorrow. You only control this moment.
In this blog I’m going to take you through my life. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. You will hear more about managing the darkness inside and learn why its so much apart of me. You will read about my battle with addiction and how I was able to finally save myself. You will get to witness the intensity of my love and you will be able to feel the rage I radiate. And just maybe, it will give you some insight of your own. Join me on the journey of The Desert Girl: Lost but Free